perhaps in the next life?

i have a feeling that this is going to be a very disturbing post.
i just hope that it won't be that disturbing where you get to the point where you want to shove your fist down my throat.
So i'm just going to pour out everything I've been feeling about my future, or how i want it to be and maybe how i planned it to be.

my future?
I want it to be awesome. and my definition of awesome is getting what i really want and more. It doesn't have to be an awesome job or whatever and i just to feel awesome doing it. So that's why I tell myself, it doesn't matter what i do, as long i like it, i will do it. but it's not easy, i don't know what i want to do, i don't know what makes me happy. OK well having fun makes me happy. TUMBLR makes me happy. My friends my gals they make me happy. and i want all of these in my future, WHETHER they like it or not, they are IN. It's all about me me me me me and it's all about me me me me. ok whatever.

when i was younger, yes younger than this, i wanted to do BIG things, i told my SMM form that i want to become a doctor, a lawyer, a dentist. PHEW. what the fuck was i thinking? there is no way i could be able to those kind of things. my intelligence is below average.
and when i got older, just a little older, now, i want to do simple things. i feel like becoming a teacher and if i can, and if God thinks it's the best for me, i might strive further and become a higher positioned educator. I like to educate people. even if what i think is wrong. being a teacher is fun i think. i hope.
 i cannot be a doctor because i can't stand it. i can't even pick up a dead rat or look at the squashed animals on the road. i cannot become a doctor. I cannot become a dentist. because it takes grave patience to be able to become one, and yes i have no patience. a lawyer? NO i don't have the confidence. at all.

I planned to go to college, because i don't want to ever step foot into KKHS again but i guess i can't go on with this one, my parents want me to have a STPM certificate, my SPM certificate almost killed me okay?
speaking of SPM. FML. i cannot believe it's FEB already, I don't want to get my results. it would crush me, mentally and physically (even if it doesn't, i would ))  ok back to the main point, after college i will go to university. the end. see it's that boring. very boring actually. BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT FUCKING COURSE I WANT TO TAKE! i tried taking those career test and most of it thinks i should become a teacher and said that it would make me happy. so now i'm going for that.

so apparently, i have 2 choices,

1. apply directly to maktab 

2. go for form 6 and go to uni

my mom prefers the second choice, so does my dad. OH WELL FML 

maybe going with the paths i'm taking now isn't so bad, well i wouldn't know.

i want to be able to look back and say " owh i did not regret doing what i did and did not " but i think it's impossible. very impossible indeed. if only i could study overseas, i just want a chance, i want to feel independence.
i was scrolling through facebook today and i saw one of my friend. she is currently studying overseas. in UK to be precise, and i start to wonder, wouldn't it be like so awesome if i had the chance to go. i once told my mom that i really want to study aboard, she say they don't have the money to let me. It's pretty sad you know. I feel very little,vulnerable,weak and sick. i certainly don't want to burden my parents, i just want them to be happy so i should just listen to them, whatever it is they may command.
i'm the " Yes Lord, your wish is my command. " kind of daughter. KONON  but seriously. i'll listen to them. even if i don't want to =__=

studying overseas.  what i would do to have that chance.

perhaps maybe, in another life?