I am about to reveal the dark side of myself here and I hope I still have friends after this.
1. I have the constant need to feel appreciated.
Let it be a small or huge thing, I want part of it. I don't always want center attention but I need to be a part of it. So when people leave me behind or set me aside, I just- crack. Yeah I'm that kind of a person and I reckon I always will be too. This is one thing I hate about myself. I can't even control it you know? I tell myself that there's nothing to be angry about and then I make up some excuse about how I should be a part of it and then explode. Just like that. I know and I truly understand that there are times when people just want to spend time with other people and stuff and I really get it because I too spend a lot time with other different people. This is why I say I am fucking selfish. I only think about what I want.
2. I am afraid of being replaced.
This. I feel really insecure all the time and end up saying shit to people and ruin everything. When I put someone first, I want them to do the same too you know but we all know that's impossible. Different people feel for different people. When a heart breaks not it don't break even. It hurts more on this side or that side or maybe it doesn't hurt at all. I just want to be #1 sometimes (sheesh I sound so full of myself) I hate feeling insecure. It sucks the soul out of me. I guess the only way I can get rid of this is to just freaking don't care. But I can't do that. I care about every little thing, I observe every little thing, even if it's from the corner of my eyes. I SEE THINGS and keep quiet about it if I think it's none of my business. I don't want to be replaced and I don't want to feel like I'm being replaced either, it does really bad things to my self esteem and it makes me feel like I'm no better than poop in a toilet bowl.
3. I get jealous easily.
Statement 3 really clicks with the two previous ones. I admit that I get jealous a lot. You might not know it but I probably was jealous of you before. I don't like being jealous but I go ahead and do it anyways. Just kidding, what I mean is that I can't help it. I see something jealous potential, I do three things. First, I look away. Second, I make up some crazy strategies in my head and realize that there's no way I can do things like that. Third, SWEAR. Well sometimes I actually tell a few people about it, and of course like any other real friend would do, they tell me that I'm just thinking too much and stuff. I KNOW. That's why I was jealous the first place, because I was thinking too much. My sister is the best listener ever, I admit that sometimes she get annoyed too if I complain too much but she'll always "pasang telinga" and let me blab about things that I am too lazy to type on my blog.
These are the 3 main things I have to get rid of right now. The more I look at it, the more I think that they all came from the same category. Bitch category. I've done things that I'm not proud of and there are things that I regret not doing. You know sometimes you just got to take a chance, or you will never find what you're looking for. Well of course, sometime it doesn't turn out the way you want it to be but I'm sure you'd find something after the storm. It might be a rainbow? Or a Leprechaun!? Okay what am I saying?
Life's too short. I don't want stupid things like this to ruin what's in store for me in the future. Sometimes you just need to freaking move on( yeah right aud, like you can do that ), maybe not right away but you will. Like one my friend said the other day, it really hit me. Moving on is different for everyone, some might take a really long time and some might not, but one thing's for sure, you will eventually forget and move on. They say that time heal all wounds, but what am I suppose to do with that ugly scar? sometimes I just want someone to fight for me you know? make me feel wanted again. even if it's just one person.
“Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.”
come and get it.
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