#goodbyes

Watching Glee is really taking its toll on me. I used to be a huge fan and then I stopped watching just because I convinced myself that I have to focus on studying if I want to get better grades and stuff. Screw that. I find myself being stressed out for a few months, torturing myself inside when what I should really be doing is enjoy myself. Well enjoying myself doesn't mean all play and no homework. It simply means that I have to have fun too. I am freaking dull when all I ever think about it when should I finish my Physics homework or how may chapters of chemistry should I study this week. I forgot about what time should I watch Glee this week or where should I go this Sunday. I have completely kept that aside for these past six months and I regret it so much right now. Watching Glee and hanging out with my friends today reminded me that. All of us, we only have 6 more (scratch that. make it 5) months together. It hurts. It scares me. It makes me want to cry. I hate goodbyes. Never liked them. I know they're just acting but it freaking tore me apart when Blaine thought Kurt was cheating on him and that they almost broke up( this is the episode I'm at now. Don't judge.) I know it's not real. I know it's fake. But I can't help feeling the sorrow, the sadness and every effing episodes made me cry. I am so emotional right now that I can't stop typing.

Everyone graduates. They shake each other hands or give each other a hug and they move on, they walk different paths, not knowing if the paths they choose will ever cross again. This makes me really sad and I don't know why. I never felt this way with my Form 5 classmates but I feel this way with my Form 6 classmates. It feels like we've been through a whole lot together. This one year feels like ten if you ask me. I guess the older you get, the more you start to appreciate. And to think that around this time last year when we first started Form 6, I freaking hated everyone in class. Okay I don't hate them but everyone seems really scary and I feel like they look down on me or something. Okay maybe that's just me and I, I have this freaking tendency to hate smart kids. I still can't quite understand why but I'm sure it's probably due to jealousy or stuff like I'll never be good enough like them... Okay. Main point.
Last year, we were all in our own groups. We sat with only people we were comfortable with. We talked only to people we were comfortable with. It only took one year or maybe less to make us the family we are now. I have to say that I am going to miss every single one of my classmates. Every single one. The crap we give each other, the jokes and the insults + teases we throw at each other but in the end of the day, we were all on the same page and I'm talking about a really huge book here.

These last few months we have together are going to be really exciting. I just know it. I have a lot of things I'm looking forward to. Exciting and not so exciting events. I look forward to them all. I have to say, Form 6 helped me grew up a lot. I know that a lot of people say that kids who go to Form 6 are usually kind of childish and well independent but I don't see it that way. I think it teaches a very valuable lesson in life. H?ow hard life is and not everything will go your way and of course, Time Management. You're going to be needing that for the rest of your lives. Speaking of the rest of our lives. I wonder what would the rest of my life look like. I wonder how long will it take for me to find out. See, this is the exciting things I look forward to. Life, it's a burning thing. Sometimes it extinguishes but with enough oxygen supply, it lightens once more. This is probably the reason why I have yet to killed myself after so many times of depression. I was optimistic enough to look forward. Optimistic enough to convince myself that things will get better and things DO get better. Like they said, there's always a rainbow after a storm. The rest of your life? How will you spend it? Who? will you spend it with? Who will you entrust the rest of your life to? Well, I have a few on my list if you want to know ;)

Oh and my thoughts about the holiday?

bunny ears

Hello 

I'm in love with this album. I don't think I'll be able to choose a favorite out of all these but I can tell you my favorite lyrics in almost every song. I know I should be blogging about how happy I am now that the semester is over but meeeh I'll go back to that later. When I am free enough, PFFT. Maybe when I'm in the mood. I am going to pamper myself with a mask and some glee tonight and if I get bored, i might go on tumblr and maybe RP a bit. Omgosh I miss my old life. I miss being free all the time. I miss being -OMG Okay back to the main point I'm blogging now. Eric's album is Wonderful. Okay, the word wonderful reminds me of something funny which I believe only LoLo would understand. Eric's singing makes me happy. Even with the saddest song, he relaxes me. It's probably the nature of his beautiful voice LOL. I am not exaggerating. I have to thank yung yung for giving me all the songs. One more thing, I don't really care about albums, in fact I don't even own any. I wouldn't know what to do with it... Now. All my favorite lyrics are as shown.  There's this line 

"希望你会快乐一点 这是我放手的条件" 

that really touched me. I mean this is exactly how I was feeling for the past few months. Also not forgetting this beautiful verse.

 "我和他谁重要残忍地作比较

任由你忘掉任由你潜逃

投进别人的怀抱

也许爱需要慢慢找

也许自由就是放掉

我都好要你快乐比什麽都重要"

Okay this is going to be all. I need to start pampering myself now. Also Brian, I will always remember that talk we had :3 YOFO.

*WHEE

Hi there and No. I haven't finish all my papers yet but I'm getting there. I've done three papers and I seriously don't know what the poop I've done. This 5 months of constant hard work. (okay. maybe not much but it sure had doubled or tripled since the last semester) Putting aside all distractions, sacrificing all the things I usually do on daily basis just so I can actually do well in this semester. But what do i get? A whole lot of poo. Physics wasn't easy, there wasn't enough time for me to calculate everything probably because I got really nervous just coz I couldn't answer the first objective question. Well that was that. I quickly got over it because I have much more things to worry about.

PA. you killed me.
Why you so hard? Why you so scary? Why you have no definite answer? Why you so confusing? Why? WHY? why? T______T I don't even know. I just I was so afraid that I wasn't able to finish everything, I actually panicked and swore, the examiner looked at me and I looked back, only to have him continue staring at me. I looked back at my own paper and continue peeling my brain cells into finishing the paper.
Maths. Thanks. For everything. We should not see each other again.

I don't know why I'm here. Probably because I have a whole day tomorrow to prepare for chemistry which I doubt I'll get anything done. I don't really feel like sitting for the next and last paper. Not after my performance these past few papers. HAHA not. Mr Goh is too scary. I have to do well for his subject.

Dear tk, I'm flattered that you like reading my blog so much. I'll try to update as much as i can about life back here. Also. Don't stalk too much. It's bad for your health.

Dear Mr Martini,
you make me happy. LOL. just a simple gesture from you (or anyone else who is younger and cute) makes my day.

Dear LoLo, thank you for putting up and screaming along with me after the PA paper. I had so much fun disturbing the peace. LOL until I actually forgot that I had to pee.

ASDFGHJKL that's all. For now. OH AND I LIKE JAKE'S PUPPIES!

gumball*

No.
I didn't put this thing up here because I had a bad day.
I'm putting this up here because it means a lot to me.
I can't count how many times I have had some bad days making me feel like i had a bad life.
I have a good life.
A great one actually.
I was born normal.
I was born unique.
I have a home, loving parents, a great mom and a responsible dad, annoying but wonderful siblings, not   forgetting my great friends.
I'm not too bad of a student. I can do well in my studies if i'm not a lazy bum.
I can tell jokes.
I give great hugs. I give awesome hugs actually, I am a walking cushion.
Okay. Wahlao. I think I am also very perasan.
But all of those brings it all back to one person.
My mother.
Without her.
Would I be who am I today?
My mom is younger than most of my friends's mom.
But that doesn't mean she's any different from other people's mother.
She's a great cook, it explains my weight.
She's really strict in a god way.
She's understanding and she knows when to give her kids some space.
She's sensitive too and i think that's what makes her an awesome mom.
Mom, I love you.
I might not have the courage to say this to you in person, mostly because I'm shy and I am afraid of your reaction. I am really bad with awkward situations so I rather not get into one. But know deep down inside that your daughter really really loves you. She might pick a fight sometimes or maybe raise her voice when you two don't see eye to eye but she's trying. She's really trying to change that.
And to all the mommas out there.
Happy Momma's Day :3

you guys should check out the google homepage. I got this there naaaaw

*wink

9 days til the real thing.
9 days til the real deal.
And I'm here. Doing nothing productive.
I feel so lazy but yet I don't want to flunk.
I lost all will to study now and I'm desperately trying to get it back.
I know I'll regret it if I don't study but part of me just won't let me study.
Speaking of regrets.
I'm not sure if re-checking my MUET was a good idea or not.
I need only 3 more marks to get to band 4, 3 more stinking marks.
Everyone else was crazy about retaking and re-checking and there I was.
Standing in the middle again.
Dammn why do I always end up in the middle.
You know why?
Because I am indecisive.
I can't make my own decisions.
I need opinions and these opinions often leaves me even more doubtful than I already was.
In the end.
I decided to re-check anyways. I mean I've got nothing to lose right?
Except that RM 70
I guess it's better to regret something you did than regretting over something you didn't.
I have balls! So I did it. I just hope, it was worth it.
I'm staring into space most of the time.
I'm holding my book, grabbing my pen but nothing goes in.
Rather, more things tend to come out... from my mouth.
I can never study with friends.
It wouldn't be studying if I'm around.
I like to talk a lot and I tend to distract other people in the process.
Which is always the reason why I turn my friends down when they asked me to go study with them.
I like studying alone but I don't like to be lonely.
I hate it when people make noise in the library.
It'll make me feel and look bad if I don't do anything about it.
Look bad part is when I don't do anything.
Feel bad part is when I scold the other younger kids.
Today I sarcastically but politely asked some lower form kids to shut up because they seriously treated the library like it was a playground. They nod and urged their friends to shut up and then the next three minutes, they're at it again. I got really pissed. I mean I did say to shut the eff up didn't I?
Also, a simple fact about our school. Well maybe not our school but out librarians.
Did you know?
That the percentage of librarians in our school is 2.5% out of the whole student body?
Did you know?
That the kids in our school likes to borrow books from the library and make a big FAT mess out of everything.
Did they know?
That only 2.5% of them has to arrange all their mess for them.
Well, now you know.

out of reach

I'm not really happy with the GE-13. I'm really disappointed. i don't usually talk about politics because i freaking hate it but this time it was different. Everyone was ready and certain for a change, a new beginning, a better future. But all that faith crushed by injustice. I can't believe i actually lived in such a country for 18 year, and that i'm going to have to live with it til who knows when? I stayed up late knowing that our people will get what we wanted, what we voted for. I just don't understand their desperation. How do you expect your people to stay with you when you used all these dirty tactics just so you can rule again. You have no idea how pissed off I am. I am so ashamed. It doesn't end there. People who we are suppose to call our own nation, our brothers and our sisters are publicly posting their opinions about how Chinese and Indians should be send back to where they came for. Well, o0o to you. I'm not trying to be rude here but they freaking started it. Okay enough about stinking politics. It's ruining my blogging mood.

Moving on to my  MUET results which isn't a really happy topic either but guess what? I got a freaking Band 3. I checked at midnight and found out the results before a lot of my classmates and to be honest. I was shocked, I almost cried. But then it was really stupid to cry about such things and that I should be happy and satisfied with what I was given because at least Band 3 is still a pass. But today in school, I found out that I was only 3 marks away from Band 4 and it was like "hold, stop and rewind". I didn't cry. I learnt quickly that I should just freaking accept it. But 3 marks. LOL my writing was really bad, I think I got the question's instructions wrongly and I didn't even get half of the marks. Okay. that's in the past now. I did all I could but this is what God had prepared for me.

I don't understand how some people can be so thick at times. After all you did and you still have the face and guts to actually - ugh. I'm sorry. I just cannot tolerate people like this. Also stop being so fake. I tried to put it aside and not be a little bitch about it but I just can't. Everytime you just so make a sound, I just tick. I can tolerate annoying and loud people. I can understand cold and quiet people but I absolutely won't accept fake people like you. I used to respect you so much. I used to rely on you so much so I am really disappointed when the truth revealed itself. I really want to graduate faster coz I just can't stand you people anymore.

STPM sem 2 is like in two weeks and I am still here blogging away, I really need to hit the books but I just can't. Not after what happened.

in between.

have you ever feel like you're in the middle. 

a tool people used to communicate to each other with.

just because they can't talk face to face anymore.

and there's you.

standing in the middle.

you can't pick a side.

because you love them both dearly.

you can't ignore both of them.

because you just can't stand watching them like that.

you want everything to go back to the way they used to be.

to the time when everyone was happy.

back when you were still all coco crunch and jelly beans.

back when life was always easy.

back when you wouldn't hesitate to ask them for help.

back when you still believed in love.

i want to go back...

that feeling you get when you just can't choose.

the feeling you get when you try so hard to drown it inside of you.

so that no one will ever find out.

so that no one would look at you with pity eyes.

i don't want pity. i don't need it.

i just don't understand how life can take such a huge turn.

and leave me here in the middle.

i'm lucky i wasn't forced to make a choice.

but who's to say that i won't have to in the future.

who's to say that things will be alright.

things will get better and that things will be back to normal.

and yet who's to say that things might get worst. 

we just don't know. 

i just don't know.

but i desperately want to.

why me?

seriously.

why couldn't it be someone else?

someone who is perhaps stronger?

or someone who just doesn't fucking give a damn?

why did it have to be me?

is it bad that i complain about these kind of things?

am i not allowed to complain?

i've been holding it in for so long.

it tears me up just thinking about all the times i tried to forget.

but i wake up everyday with the same problems still unresolved.

i hate seeing them like that.

i hate seeing how they treat each other.

i hate the way they talk to each other.

two lifeless souls communicating.

and that's where i step in.

being vulnerable is not an option.

weaknesses are no good in battle.

yelling at each other won't anyone any good.

especially not to those who have a weak soul.

i beg of you.

both of you.

don't make this any harder on me.

it's really hard to please both side.

it's really hard standing in the middle.

it's exhausting actually.

i understand that things are not that easy

and that things do not always go as plan.

but when both of you have the same objective,

which i doubt you do.

nothing is impossible.

you just need to sit down,

look each other in the eyes and speak.

yes speak, not yell. 

yell if you must, 

but look around for any vulnerable souls.

they might be strongly affected.

or permanently scarred. 

officially.

It's official, I am a zombie... NAH. Okay let me get this straight, no matter how stress out I am or how much pressure I'm under, I always. ALWAYS have the time, strength, will or urge to do things I like and of course end up being guilty about it BUT at least i get to recharge right? and get right back on my toes again for more stress LOL. I know my blog is probably stranded but I am really surprise that i still get views and stuff. Thank you, whoever you are. But seriously. I'd be wasting your 2 minutes and half if you view this insignificant webpage.

I learned that when you can't beat something, you're going to have to give way and join in. I know I won't be able to run form this so I'm going to have fun while I go with it. It's not easy though, but it will have to do. Blogging used to be so fun and I used to love blogging... until the day came where the things I want to blog about is just too private to be public. wtf did i just typed. Anyways, it's only 19 days til STPM sem 2 and yes, I am afraid and I would really like to pack my bags and run away while screaming YOLO but I can't. No matter how i run or how i hide, it comes back... it gets to me... like slenderman does. I read somewhere saying, 'A virgo is dull when she lost the will to have fun.' which is undeniably true. I mean I don't think I can go through a day without laughing or without music.

Pewdiepie. An inspiration. I can stop watching his videos. OMG he is an idiot but gawd i like him, he makes my day. Whenever I feel like killing someone or ripping my mathematics questions apart. I'll just turn on my phone, browse a little and he is able to make me laugh my ass off. Gee and it's not easy to make me laugh my ass off. (okay i take this back. i laugh at everything. Which is not a bad thing.) I seriously have to find a way to let him know that he is also one of the reasons why i am able to cope with all this pressure and stress. Perhaps I'll make him do something really embarrassing on 'FRIDAYS WITH PEWDIEPIE' HAHAHA. Okay until that day then :P

Studying is not too bad really, the worst part is when you still suck in a test even when you studied your ass off. Like that physics test last time, I failed and I studied my ass off every night. NO words can describe the disappointment i felt, the pain that was throbbing within me lmao. Okay that was a little too much but I was really upset about it. Just like how i get upset with every little thing that happens... Tomorrow, another physic test and I haven't really studied enough. I got bored and took a nap and end up getting a headache wtf. Okay enough about studying, this is suppose to be a lively blogspot. Oh which reminds me! Mr Goh showed us this video about 'The Law of Attraction' which TK mentioned to me about last time, but I didn't really give it much thought but after watching that video. I still don't understand what he was trying to tell me that time.

Speaking of which. I hate you tk. talk to me.

I want to apologize to two someones here on my blog.
The first one would be Miss E,
I'm really sorry about how I treated you that day, I know apologizing through my blog isn't very sincere but I just couldn't bring myself to approach you. I really want to talk to you the other day but I assumed that you were still quite upset with me so you just smiled and walked away. I'm sorry I was being a baby the other day, I was upset about a lot of things that day and I put it all on you. I'm really sorry. And to think that you even ran back up to politely asked me down. I turned you down like that all because I wasn't in the mood.
The second would be Mr YY,
This is really childish, I can't believe I did it. I got angry because I misunderstood or misinterpret what you said the other day. And you were only trying to be nice wtf. I got all bitchy at you and it wasn't even your fault. I felt really guilty. Normally I would blame all this on my period but NO not this time. I am really really sorry :(

You must have noticed how I jumped from one subject to another. That's because I'm really horrible with introduction. i don't know how to start talking about one thing or how to bring someone's attention to another subject so I would just randomly throw stuff at your face. And i'm about to do again. LoLo I'm going to adapt your ways of naming people on your blog HAHA. I find it very interesting LOL. No I just want to be a copycat and copy your ways of blogging.

Dear Mr Martini, I haven't seen you in a while and I miss you omgawd. I miss how you would smile and give me a little thumbs up at times. I couldn't even run into to you in the canteen, it shows how much we are destined not to meet each other wtf. I wonder if this nickname is too obvious. Let me know ;)

I normally don't do this. But YOLO.