#kokoniaru

Holla. Yes. It has come to the point where blogging is fun because the hostel Internet isn't giving me many choices of entertainment. I shouldn't have taken the super fast internet back home for granted. Goodbye sweet child of mine... until June. But seriously though- Fix the damn Internet.

Things done since last update:
1. C Programming & Engineering skills owning me.
2. Received a notice for hostel moving arrangements
3. Played basketball & took Korean classes.
4. PTPTN ;A;

Let's do C Programming first. Remember when I said Engineering is not for me? Well I am starting to think it's true ;A; I have never been so frustrated. You type one single mistake and you will feel like the world has come to an end. (Okay, exaggeration but really.) That was 2 weeks ago and I admit I'm starting to open up a little, at least I can count the area and perimeter of a circle using a program right? Okay. Just shut up Aud. Engineering skills WOOHOO. The main reason why I find this semester really tiring and stressful is because of Engineering Skills. I have a test every 2 weeks and if I screw up, that will be the end of me. The end. Take Engineering Skill they say. It will be fun they say. Why did I believe those people? -Cries well this is only my third week so maybe I haven't got to the fun parts yet. Great. More things to look forward to.

Hostel Moving Arrangements. I don't know what to feel. The rumors have been going around since the last semester but no one paid attention to it because they just think it's impossible and just like any other gullible freshman that I am believed them. Until they actually announced the possibility on Facebook. (Woah Facebook > People) People started freaking out, I freaked out. I mean my hostel might be really far away from everything else but this place has got to be the best one here in Perlis. Don't tell me that you're going to try and take that away from me too? Sure, I mean moving isn't too bad right? At least it's still provided by the University but people you don't understand. I don't mind the moving. I just cannot accept the moving destination. Why move people from the best place to the worst? This is the main reason why the seniors just won't budge and had a petition going around so they won't move us away. All I can say now is- It's going to be another few months until it really happens so I might as well pay it no mind and just deal with what I have to deal with now. (C Programming)

Basketball. I didn't really wanted to join at first. (Well, I never really wanna join anything) but my senior practically forced me into it and I'm glad she did *smiles Our school did all we could and like I said. No Pain No Gain. I got two scarred knees and a whole body of muscle ache but we won hooray. Our school finally got first place after so many years of being a runner up. it's not just about winning. I mean I met a lot of new people, explored some things about Uni, increased social links with people and I guess actually exercised for once? Jumping to the next topic, Korean classes. My song saeng nim is so scary. I am seriously afraid of her. I feel like she might strangle somebody just because we cannot read a random word she points out on the board. Time passes really fast when you're enjoying yourself huh? For those who know me, you probably think I'd go for Japanese instead and you are correct. Japanese was my first choice and apparently it was a few more hundred's first choice as well. I couldn't make the quota but I really had to take a language this semester and so Korean here we go. It's not too bad really. I personally think people who's want to learn Japanese should learn Korean too. Back to the main point. My teacher is scary, I cannot fail her class.

PTPTN, why haven't you send me any money? *Cries I won't be able to pay my fees this semester if you don't. I seriously have no idea what to do. I should give the Perlis branch a call soon. Okay I guess that's really all from me this time. Well at least it's not a random post about glee right? ;)

#jellybeans

One week back in Perlis and I have learned a few things. One, you never really left. Two, the Internet got worst. Three. Okay there's no three but yeah you get the point. Let me elaborate.

What I meant by never really leaving is that. You come back to your room and it instantly feels like home. Surprisingly. I had no trouble going about. I got back late that nights, unpacked and went straight to bed. It was one tiring day and heck I'm kinda grateful that it was. I was suppose to board the 2PM flight that Monday and I got to the airport around 1PM (woohoo) There was this damn line at the baggage drop and I almost missed my damn flight. But I didn't. If I did, I wouldn't be here right now. Jokes. My second flight got delayed and I thought it was because the plane has not arrived yet. Then I looked outside and they say there were some technical issues with the plane and that kind of scared. ( Did I mention how much I hate flying and I was super tired.) I thought to myself. I will not die here and I didn't. Landed in Kedah and a mutual friend (super nice) offered to drive us back to the hostel. It would have cost a lot if we took the taxi so I was really grateful ( Thanks man )

Oh, the Internet. Let's just say it got to the point where I am spending Sunday afternoon in KFC because the wifi here is so much better than the one back in the hostel. This is one thing that I can never ever get use to. It's so horrible I feel like I can poop jelly beans. (okay, I made that up but hey it would be cool to poop jelly beans.) Oh look. Time's up. Got to run. Laters.

#letter

Dear Theodore,

This is the open letter you decided to put on our to-blog-list and I have decided to dedicate mine to you.
This might seem like any other regular appreciation post and it might turn out to be but- yeah.
It has to be done. First things first, thank you for driving me around for almost 33 days.
I know. I know. I'll get to driving soon. Give it some time.
From the first Starbucks to the Glee obsession and of course the last night,
it was always a pleasure spending time with you.

I know that we didn't have everything crossed out on that to-do-list
but maybe we can try doing that next time you and I share a long ass holiday.
Which is probably in another year time but hey,
something to look forward to every year.
To make things fair, we did a lot more other stuff that wasn't even on the list.
That should be able to make up for it right?

Do well in your second year and stop locking yourself in your room.
Being in the library is great and all but don't forget to live life.
Stay the modest being that you are and don't hold back.
People have yet to realize your full potential.
See you next year.

is it too late?

Another week and I'll be leaving home and going back to Perlis. Another week and I will have to face another four months of constant torture. Sure. It was all fun when I first got there (okay maybe not that much fun, hello people? Living in Perlis?) If I were to write a list about the things I hate/dislike about that place. I might as well change the title of this post right now. Times like this got me reminiscing about the good old Pre-U days. Times when I was still ambitious, the fire inside still in flames. Now, when I look at myself. I can only see charcoal. I know that I made this choice for myself. I know I picked everything out for myself and that I am not suppose to regret anything but it's hard. I was young. I was naive. I thought I wanted this but maybe not so much anymore. Maybe, Engineering is just not for me. 

No. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I am doing badly in the first semester rather it's just really stressful and tiring to keep up with everything. Did  I mention that most of my labs and classes are 30 minutes bus trip away? Imagine how early I'd have to get up just to get ready for a 8AM class. Yes, empathize people. I know that the University cannot help it that the Schools and Hostels are so far away from each other but as a student who has to go through and fro everyday, I just can't help but complain a little. Oh, you might think that these reasons are not legit enough for me to quit Engineering so I suggest you to keep reading. Now, tell me one thing. What is it that the 20 year old you cannot live without? Everyone has a different story to tell and people will always have something against you no matter what. 

The 20 year old (soon to be 21) me desire only a few simple things. 

Company. Entertainment. Comfort of my family. 

When I say company, I mean the people I grew up with. People who went through things with me, the ones who supported me and got me to where I am standing now. Friends who I'm familiar with, people who I know will never wrong me in any way, those who actually give a crap about whatever it is that I am going through, those who were willing to stay and most importantly, those who will never judge me. The first thing I thought about entering University is that everyone who made it in are "pure evil super genius monsters" who are only in it for themselves and would do anything just to get to the top and  I'm not going to lie, it freaked me out and I treated everyone really coldly for the first few weeks and the respond was mutual. I have a few close friends of course, at least I have people to have lunch and dinner with, at least I won't have an empty seat beside me during bus trips, at least I won't have to be alone all the time.

Entertainment. For those who are not familiar with Perlis, you should try google-ing it. That's the first thing I did when I found out that I was going to be spending my 4 years at. To make things a little less whiny and b*tch*n, I'm going to go straight to the point. There is just nothing fun to do there. Nothing at all. Not a mall. Not a cinema. Not a life. All I can do is go for guitar lessons, grab a chatime and watch the paddy fields sway. The worst thing about studying so far away from home is the unbearable distance. I see students from Penang/Kedah go home every two weeks and it strikes me. Every. Single. Time. how I would have to wait for another two months to do so. That comfortable bed of mine. My new puppy Ayato-kun. My mother's cooking and my father's constant care. My annoying lovable brother and my first ever best friend who is also my sister. If I'd have to name one person I have to text every single day. It would be my sister. 

Now, I want you to dismiss everything you read above and continue reading. 

First of all, I like Engineering. (It's only my first year, my first semester. I believe it is still too early for me to decide) I'm not saying the units are not hard, they are freaking difficult but hey look, I'm willing to take the challenge. Second of all, I do not mind all the long rides I have to make just to get to class. If you ask me, I actually enjoy them very much. It gives me a chance to clear my thoughts, it forces me to wake up early (healthy lifestyle, good thing I have a great biological clock) and it just calms me down. The view is fantastic, paddy fields or not, it is a beautiful place. Moving on, about the "pure evil super genius" thing I mentioned before. I still think that way, well maybe except the pure evil in it for themselves and would do anything just to get to the top These people I met, my coursemates, housemates and so called sapoh group are the only things getting me through the distance from home. I have them to thank for filling my days with tears and laughter. I must say, no matter where you go, you will find people who will love you for who you are. You will find people who will never ever judge you. The only true thing about the last few paragraphs would be the unbearable distance between family and I. Whenever I stay up too late, they are all I ever think about. Not forgetting to mention the Youth I've joined there, these people really inspire me to do something about life.

The reason why I'm blogging about cheesy/sappy stuff I would NEVER blog about is because of this guy right here. 

#obviouslie

#holla

Guess who thinks she's too old for pretty/girly blogskins. 

Nah. It's just a phase. It will pass. Hopefully.

Here I am blogging from home. 

Another two weeks of intense feed yourself program and it's back to reality.

No. Don't get me wrong. 

Reality is good. It keeps me going. It really does. 

But no matter where you are, 

Home is where the heart is. 

UniMAP MSK 2014/2015

I made a promise and here I am trying to keep it. Just right before September started, I am officially a U kid. Dad and I boarded the plane on the 31st of August (my first time being on a plane) to KL and then another one to Alor Setar. We then took a taxi and went to stay at a rest house in Kuala Perlis. It was a nice place to stay for the night and to prepare for the worst (registration day). Dad then rented a car and we drove all over Perlis for over 3 hours with the help of the GPS (and some UniMAP kids along the way) what? We had to ask for directions. Had Domino's for dinner (Yes, we do have Domino's pizza here in Perlis) and got back to rest early.

September 01
I woke up really early that day, not sure if I was nervous or if it was just my biological clock putting up a show. I got up and drew the curtains, 6.30 AM and it is still pitch black. No way you'll ever see that in Sabah. Woke dad up when I went in the showers (No, I wasn't singing Taylor Swift) We both got up and left 30 minutes earlier that day.

Dad wanted to have breakfast first so we drove to somewhere around Arau and found this little chinese restaurant there. The food here is cheap. So much cheaper than it is in Sabah. Where can you get Kon Lo Mee for RM3.50 in Sabah? Breakfast ended really quick, it made a little sad. We drove further into Changlun where the main campus is and the GPS made us miss a junction and the next U-turn was a hundred years away. Just after we entered the main campus, my dad made comments about how hot Perlis is and that I should drink more water in the future so I wont't get sick easily. I nodded my head all the way to the parking until I felt something wet in my nose. Blood. Blood. Blood. On my registration day. Dad freaked out on me and made me lay down for a bit and then enhanced his 'drink more water' lecture. This time I couldn't nod so I just said ok ok ok ok ok. The bleeding stopped even before we got a parking because oh god this place is crowded. Everywhere, people roam. We got down and I walked confidently yet timidly towards the registration hall. The PPMS (the ones in charge of the MSK) ushered us to the right halls and to my surprise everything went pretty smoothly. Dad didn't have to go through it with me so he just waited outside bought me this really cute UniMAP keychain. Thanks daddy :3 After that, it was more driving. Lots more. To the hostel (Padang Besar) The closer we got to our destination, the heavier my heart sank. These guys here are quite efficient. We got there early and I got a good spot too. Second floor. Not bad. At least I don't have to climb so high up. The lift was very convenient for my broken luggage. It was 22kg or maybe even more and I made dad bring it upstairs for me (because he won't let me take it) I got to my room and there sat a lady on the bed so I took the other one. She talked about coming from Johor and then my roomate walked in. We become friends :) All this is faith. It doesn't end here. Dad insist we drive back to Kangar which is so far away, just to buy me a table and some electrical stuff. Guilty. Guilty daughter. My dad spent so much money on me and I felt really bad about it. He then sent me back up to the hostel and helped me put on the lock to my wardrobe, he even walked around the campus just to make sure I can survive in this place. He came back telling I can get water from the shop lots there and was my clothes down at the laundry room and had another look around the room. He then got up and was ready to leave. I waved him all the way to the car and tried so hard not to cry. No way am I going to make him feel bad for leaving me here. No way I'm going to let him think I'm not strong enough for this. He got on his car and I waved back at him for one last time and he drove off. I still didn't cry. I packed my stuff and talked to my roomie and then it was time for orientation. That night I saw eye candy and everything seemed a little less depressing.

September 2
Slept at 1AM trying to shower. We have 8 in a house and 2 bathrooms. I am not complaining. The other hostels have it worst. We here in Uniciti are the luckiest bunch. Woke up at 5,30AM and went down to the bustop for the 6.30 AM bus. The queue here is always LONG. So LONG you get fed up after a few times. The fed us breakfast and sent us to the Dewan  2020 in Kangar. Every bus trip we get last  at least 30 minutes. At least. We were supposed to register, receive stuff, and a photo session for the matirx card. This three things took me from 8AM to 5PM because of the LONG LONG **** ASS LONG QUEUE. It was so boring that night. I forgot what they planned for us. I was too busy trying to stay awake. The lack of water and wifi didn't help.

September 3 /September 4
We were asked to swear to always be good kids here in UniMAP and I said sure. Why not? Other than that, it was more 'OMG I am so tired let me sleep' or 'OMG shut up already' until one night, we ere suppose to have a Moral Session where the muslim and non muslim got separated and it somehow turned into a Ko-K promo session. Mr Eye Candy. He was there and for the first time in that week. I stayed awake. Met Jeck's friend form Keningau and the three of us Sabahans rocked that night. What? 3? Oh. Didn't I tell you? Miss Jay was there with me.

September 5
No more 'just let me sleep' session. We went on a trip hooray. We visited a lot of places. But what really planted my roots to stay here was the Library in Pauh. So very beautiful. So very interesting. Nothing like I have ever seen. I am thinking of posting more stuff about the library in the near future. Bear with me. Hres a glimpse of the auditorium.

We had some more lectures that night when I was interupted by one PPMS. He ushered me upstairs and there were already a bunch of girls up there. Oh god. It was our coloured hair. Gee. I dyed my hair black okay? It's not like I'm asking it to fade or anything. I wasn't alone. Miss Jay was there with me. Some of the girls got into conflict with the PPMS and there was crying and a little shouting. I didn't want to get involve. They let us off the hook and made sure we sat somewhere the Canselor won't see us. Good choice. Miss Jay and I got to catch up the night because we were problematic U kids. I got on the bus back to Uniciti and received a messaged from my sister. She remembered my birthday and going through all that was- hard. I got sentimental and cried a little in the bus. My roomie saw me and gave me tissue. My other friends didn't see me. I didn't want them to.

September 6
Got back to the hostel pretty late. Took a bath. Dried my hair and collapsed. My gals her, to my surprise woke me and sang me a birthday song. I wanted to cry but I didn't. I wasn't trying to seem ungrateful but I just couldn't go through with it again. But gals really, you guys made my day. There was no cake, no candles but there was love and a sleepy me.

Went back to bed and left my roomie to clean up. #evilroomie Woke up just before we had to leave to the field. (Not paddy field) so, I got to break a Malaysian Book Record by joining in a human domino event. Sounds quite stupid I know but it was really fun. Everyone of us got a number. Not exactly what I expected but yeah-

Look I even spotted my birth date on this guy I don't even know. Sorry dude.

People Mountain People Sea.

Eye Candy was there too.

Here's a glimpse I guess :)

We were given brunch that day and everyone was hungry. I got on the bus and checked my phone. Eye Candy. My Eye Candy. Text me. He freaking text me. I knew from the start that it was roomie. She took into accounts the good things I said about Eye Candy and she made him send me a birthday message. It was nice. #laughs #taktaumalu I probably scared him shitless. Sorry, it was just a simple compliment.
The concert that night was nice. I had fun. Got back near 2AM and that was the end of my birthday.

September 7
Woke up at 6.30AM. Went back to bed. Woke up an hour later and I was late for the bus. I rushed down to catch the bus to church and luckily it was still there. I followed 3 seniors there and met a few more in the church too. It's been so long since I went to a proper mass and #phew I did it. I wasn't hard. Never fear conflict he say, just act like adults. The seniors are so damn nice I almost cried. One of them drove us down to breakfast and the other two gave us a tour around Kangar.

Food so cheap. I love it here. 
People might think it's really sad to come to Perlis to study because there is just no entertainment around. However, that's not entirely true. This place is really nice. Shop lots. Some small cafes all within walking distance in the hostel.

It looks even better at night.

There's a first for everything. It's all about taking the first step :)

#fourletterword

Dear XXX,
Thank you for everything. I know school ended long ago and we never really have the chance to meet every single week and I know I always turn you down on outings and stuff but know that I really really long to spend more time with you. Whenever it's just the two of us, there's is just no stopping us from going all emotional and talk about 'things'. To be honest, I was a little worried that we wouldn't be able to go back to how we used to be, mostly because we don't really encounter the same things anymore and that we don't really talk much on a daily basis. Well, you proved me wrong. I was so glad that some things just won't ever change and I am happy about it. Nothing can ever come between us, I believe. Because no matter what happens, I can always count on you to have my back. Always. Thank you. I love you :)

Dear XXX,
I noticed how- we just don't talk that much anymore. We used to be so- in sync and now when I'm with you, I feel like there's a wall between us. A wall that wasn't there before. We used to talk about everything, not everything but we somehow always find something to chat about it. I don't know if you're just busy with stuff, I completely understand. I'm not pointing fingers either so please don't get me wrong. I'm just saying- I missed how we used to act around each other. Well, nothing lasts forever.

Dear XXX,
I love you. I still do. No matter how hard I try, there is just no erasing it. I tried, I really did but this stubborn heart just won't give up that easily. I know I'm not suppose to and I know I'm not suppose to let it show but I don't want to hide it and I have no reason to. I don't want to hide anything from you. Not you, definitely not the whole world. I guess it goes to show even if I don't mention your name here. For one long year, I've tried to convince myself that I was still young and naive,  I didn't know what I want. I don't see what's in store for me in the future. It's true. Til this day, I still have no idea what is it waiting for me somewhere 10 years later//20 years later. I tried to distract myself, making sure I always have work to do, always having something else to think about. I have to say, it did work. For a little while. I continued to lie to myself, lied to my heart, betraying my feelings. I thought that if I shun them away long enough, they'll just magically disappear. -laughs- girl where did you learn that from? Every time you say something, every word you say to me, every single thing you do for or not for me, affected me in so many ways that you will never ever understand. I try to stop myself at times but all that only leads to more craving. Everything you do is a big deal to me. Now and forever will. Because you know me better than anyone else. Because I know that you would understand. Because I know how you want me to be honest with you. Because  I know writing this here isn't going to sabotage what we have. I was able to. Of course, it feels bad at first. People tend to want things more when they are denied. It's true how it affect how you think and feel about things in general. Oh take it from me, I think I know enough to be commenting on this. I was in that dark place, I was being a kid, I was being the negative side of me. I lost all sense of rationality I had back then. Well, I guess love makes you do stupid things. Like I said. WAS. Now, I see things differently. I was able to let things go, I was able to be honest and upfront about my own feelings, I was able to give my heart a chance. Once you admit something, it will be easier to deal with. So much easier, HAHA. I noticed that- I don't need to have you for myself. I don't need to cling to you all the time. I also don't have to feel so bad about myself everytime I think about you. That's all because I love you. From the bottom of my heart. All I want is for you to be happy too. Seeing you happy, has got to be one of the most rewarding things in life. Being by your side, have you share your ups and downs with me. Those are the actual things that I like experiencing everyday. Just know that, this doesn't change anything. I would still be me and you will still be you and of course, we will still be us. I love you :)