Dad brought us out again today. My dad was suppose to bring me go book hunting today but I didn't feel like it. Plus I don't want to end up buying the wrong book and waste my dad's money. Oh, went to get breakfast and guess what? The principal was there, with his wife. My mom and dad were nagging my sis and I to walk over and say HI. Whaaat? No mom and dad, you do not simply say hi to the principal. To be honest, I didn't want to greet him because I was kind of afraid of him. He just blew the little self esteem I had left that day when he indirectly insulted me. (He called me fat. Thanks.) Fine. It's alright. I didn't tell my parents about it because I had no reason to. I mean, what are they going to say? How should they react? So it's better if I kept it to myself.

My mom's making lasagna and I can hear the sizzling of the beef already, the smell is making me hungry but I am not going to move from my seat. I need to aroma to keep my brain working. About getting homework done, *laughs* I'm not even close. There is still a lot to do and there is still a lot time. I'm blogging everyday aren't I? See what the holidays does to me. I promised to finish at least half of my homework this week but I don't think that's going to happen. I'm probably going to rush everything in the last minute. Not that it's my first time.

I really need help, how do I write the sipnosis/opinion essay thingy. I don't know how to start so I'm drafting everything I concluded, all I need now is for someone to teach me how to insert the freaking words on to that piece of paper.


I'm going to go do something productive nao.
like:
1.go on facebook.
2. find someone to talk to.
3. disturb tk.

2 weeks of rest.

2 weeks of nothing to do besides homework. 

2 weeks of boredom. 

2 weeks of procrastinating.

No. Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. I just feel really absent-minded during holidays, they make me stupid. Holidays gives my brain a reason to relax and they stop working completely. I need to do something productive this holiday, I don't want to waste these 14 days with nothing. I'm thinking about studying but PFFT who am I kidding? It's the holidays friend, you're at home studying your arse off? Wait. That's what smart people do right? That's it. Adding that shit into my list. 

I have a list of things to do right in my diary right now and I'm trying to get most of them done by this week. I need to chill out and find tuition teachers next week. I still need to convince mom and dad to let me take up 3 tuition classes this time. I really want to ace this thing. My cousins came by last night while I was skyping Siaw and one of my cousin started asking me about school. 

cousin: Sshool started?

me: yeah.

cousin: sooo how is it?

me: *shakes head & weak smile*

cousin: you still planning on becoming a teacher?

me: urm. no. not really. I mean I might do civil engineering.

cousin: *eyes widen* good good. 

me: *nods*

cousin: yeah find something with more job chances.

me: okay. *smiles*

cousin: *smiles and left kitchen*

Yes, I translated that. We were speaking in mixed languages. I don't really talk much to this cousin. Yes, I turn into badminton girlfriend when I talk to cousins I'm not familiar with. You know the part where she said 'you still planning on becoming a teacher meh?' made me think. She sounded like 'you can do better than teacher, it would be a waste bah' Well, that's my opinion and I don't know her true intentions. I mean I would be flattered if that's what she really meant. Besides, I don't really feel like becoming a teacher anymore. I remember getting into a fight with my mom just because she wouldn't let me apply for maktab perguruan, damn I should have just listened to her and shut up. Remember guys, MOTHERS KNOWS BEST. Listen to you mother like how I listened to mine. Thank you mom, you opened up my eyes to see that there more to me than just that. It doesn't change the fact that she wants me to become a teacher though, I told her that was going to be my second option. 

Don't worry about not finding what you want when you're 16/17/18(heck whatever age), try finding yourself first. Don't push it. Things that are meant to happen will happen, all you need to do is wait. Some might have to wait longer but that just means you get to learn from more mistakes. Experiences makes you ten times the person you were. I promise. If you ask me, I'm still not sure about what I really want. I'm just setting myself a goal just to give me a reason to work harder. 

Oh, I went to ZENQ just now and went to have lunch at Kepayan. (We were suppose to have lunch first I know.) I saw Ellen, she was working in one the restaurants there. I walked over just to greet her and she was half hugging me in the middle of the place. She pushed my chin up just to examine the rashes on my neck, we laughed. 

Let it be a productive holiday yes?

NGAI so nice oh this picture.

Friday, 25 MAY 2012

Arriving in school with my huge bags( yes HUGE ) and gifts that mom made me give the teachers she thinks I adore. There are a lot of teachers that I am very fond of but no, I can't possibly tend to every one of them. After putting my bag down after humiliating myself on the way to class (my mom wouldn't send me in and my bag was freaking heavy lah, I blame my sister because she told my mom that big cars cannot drive through the small parking there. NGAI), I went outside and Ilyas greeted me Good Morning. Woah, I made an improvement, I actually have new friends now!( I have to thank the Upper 6 for bringing all of us together, we had 'bonding' time and it gave us a reason to talk to each other without feeling awkward.) Everyone else arrived including Judith, I must thank you darling because if it wasn't for you. I'D BE SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR. Everyone else left pretty early to the dewan to help out and I was busy looking for my two favorite teachers(that's what my mom said.) Okay lah, skip this boring shit here.
We were asked to stand in a row trailing the red carpet to greet the guests and teachers who arrived, Cikgu Joakim tripped but didn't fall and I laughed at him. I'm sorry but it was just really funny bah. The VIPs finally arrived and everyone started clapping like crazy.(We were already clapping like crazy even before we were told to.) Got back to our seat where it was super hot and I could feel my body melting. We really need air conditioners in the dewan lah. The performances were okay I guess, it was humorous so I give it a 8 out of 10. I didn't get to see Cikgu Bestah's performance though because I had to be else where when it happened. *disappointed* I should have been there but nope I had to volunteer for the part. ( Never mind. I get marks for it so I guess it's okay. )
When it all ended, everyone left and teacher get to have a Jamuan IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CANTEEN while we(students) get to watch them stuff their faces. Great. Skipping the part where we went upstairs and changed into our PJs (which I shouldn't have but no matter, I'm glad I did.) and having Cikgu Neoh yelling at us  making us assemble in the basketball court. Gosh the teachers in charge of the registration were late, Cikgu Jagan went all 'who's in charge here? where is the teacher? what happened here? why are there two tables?' OMG. I don't know anything okay? The teachers didn't even tell us anything about managing the registration and I can tell Cikgu Neoh was pretty much stressed out about the time delay. Being the AJK serbaguna I was(all of us URUSETIAs were serbaguna.) I helped out at the registration section until it was time to have lunch.
The Principal insulted me. He called me fat. Well not directly in my face but I am pretty sure that's what he meant. Never mind. I know my place. 
Being dragged as the MC for the PC ceramah and I screwed up. (I'm not going to talk about this, it's just too embarrassing. I am a disgrace, to the school.) At the same time, Adriel was trying his best to annoy me and believe it or not, he did it. I really wanted to shove my shoe into his mouth. (No offense Adriel but you were pissing me off.)
When I'm not working, I usually
1. GOSSIP with our group of URUSETIAS. (we practically have a table for ourselves already.)
2. TALK to Teekay.
3. STARE at random objects.
4. HAM other people.
Yes that's pretty much what we do when we're not running around taking orders from teachers and if you ask me, I think I've only done 60% of the things I'm supposed to do. It's pretty relaxing compared to the participants. Remember, we didn't have to pay this and we get marks for it too.
PS- Ah Tai went home because he was sick so one guy down, we only have 2 left.
Took a bath(the 6 of us, not alone.) when everyone else was in the DEWAN, it was raining and the wind was blowing like crazy, it was refreshing. Nothing much happened after that and we went to bed at midnight. 

Saturday, 26 MAY 2012
Woke up at 4AM, nudged Siaw to wake up but she was having a hard time too. (She said I snored oh wtf.) I'm pretty sure it was just me breathing heavily because my boobs was facing the floor(yes I slept on my boobs because it was the only comfortable position I could find.) Don't worry I'm used to it, my boobs have multi-purposes so it can also acts as a cushion. The day started off okay, we had to run  laps from the basketball court to the dewan and of course, I cheated. My boobs were too heavy, I'm sorry. Breakfast ended and activities were ready to commence. Wait, Cikgu Noreta she called out for us female usursetias, apparently someone forgot to dispose of her pad and we were part of the suspects. (I didn't do it. I swear. I wasn't even on my period.)
Aktiviti: Latihan Lasak
 Followed Cikgu Gregory to his station, station 2 the place where Pole Climbing will be held. He made Siaw and I carry this huge umbrella just so that the teachers can all stay under the shade, well I don't blame them, it was really hot and I was sweating buckets. Carried umbrella all the way up to the back of the Padang and Gregory requested for his whistle on his table, ran all the way to the Teacher's office and grab his whistle so that I could get back on site as fast as I could. the umbrella was set up and the pole was ready so all we need to do is wait for the participants, oh wait no, the teachers wanted chairs so okay. WE can go get chairs (there were only two teachers at the time, so Siaw and I decided to get four chairs so that we would also get to sit and watch the participants climb up that stupid pole I wasn't able to.) 
As I was saying, we went to get chairs and when we got back, there were 3 teachers so Siaw(so very nice) gave her chair to the teacher while I sit LIKE A BOSS beside her. Then there was 5 teachers, then there was 6. Fine, have my chair, I'll just stand. I can do it. Teams started showing up and the teachers have the weirdest request, making them sing Sayang Kinabalu while dancing or whatever. One that really made me laugh is this group being asked to sing Tanak Kampung with Chinese slang(the teacher even recorded it down, probably for fun but I just couldn't stop laughing. They were just awesome. You guys should have seen it. Siaw, I know you laughed too, it was just too hilarious.) Nothing much happened afterwards except that the teachers(Cikgu Abbal and Cikgu Greg) trying to make me climb up the damn pole, Hello I'm FAT, I can't climb up that thing and plus I am afraid of humiliating myself so you just cannot make me do it. the teachers said that I might not be able to satisfy myself if I don't get to the top and that I would go back there at midnight just to climb that damn pole. OMG no, I am afraid of the dark.
Aktiviti: TEA TIME
Yes, they have tea time in camp, they get to eat donuts and tau sa BAO while we watch them LOL. (we get to eat also lah but by the time they all finish, there weren't any donuts left already.) Enough of this, let's get to the best parts.
Aktiviti: Treasure Hunt
Treasure hunt, I forgot to mention that there are four teams: BLUE RED YELLOW GREEN.
Every team members are tied to each other and the rules are pretty easy, you cannot break that bond, if you do then it'll be troublesome for the whole team. The kids tried their best and none of them broke the strings, this time I am paired up with Jeck. (She is super nice and she's a new student from Keningau, she's just great, she laughs at my jokes! I love people who laughs at my jokes.) We were on PC duties and there were 9 check points this time, we only have 2 PC teams at that time, we had to walk all around school just to cover all the grounds. We walked and walked and walked and walked and WTF no one was getting hurt so we decided to take our job easy and joined the Ellen, Belinda & Ai San since they were the urusetias in charged of the check points. We made them sing K-pop songs if they wanted to be handed the next clue, Ellen made one of the teams do a crab walk( which was super funny. I just couldn't. Yes. I LAUGHED a lot in this camp so it's safe to say that I did NOT regret joining.) I think the GREEN team won this one. (YES)
Aktiviti: LUNCH
As usual, we let the participants fill their tummies first. Lunch was settled and it was almost time for the next activity on the schedule. TK needed someone to retrieve the rope from the previous station, I volunteered and so we went to find the damn rope. The doors were locked and the boys(some of the PA system boys) had to climb in just to get the stinking ROPE. We had a little battle and...- urm so apparently Tk hurt his palm and suspect that he might get AIDs because of it. (Sorry but I don't think the rope made love with another ROPE) Got him treatment from  Cikgu Claire (who I mistaken to be Cikgu Vera) I'm sorry but I really forgot and  I made her picked the little wooden bit out of his palm.
Aktiviti: SUKANEKA.
Meh, it was alright. I didn't really enjoy this one very much until the time for TUG OF WAR began. I was cheering for everyone I found attractive and yes apparently Johan is attractive. I probably destroyed my throat just by cheering them on. I was really disappointed when the teachers wouldn't participate in the URUSETIAS VS GURUS challenge from us but well whatever. We had fun figuring out the possibilities if we did get the chance to. The teachers ordered us to keep the rope so once again T and I decided to humiliate myself in front of the kids but then we got yelled at by Jaggil so we proceeded with what we were originally ordered to when Hartono decided to join us and grabbed the ROPE. Before we know it, it was TUG OF  WAR between HARTONO TK ADRIEL & 10 GIRLS. So yeah you do the math.

I'm not going to talk about dinner or anything because I was in a horrible mood after that, I was sleepy. I'm going to skip the MALAM KEBUDAYAAN and everything else that happened after that. Well, we did gossip(if that's what you wanted to know.) Slept at 12 or maybe even later, I decided to ditch my bra so that I could sleep better that night and guess what I did. (not mention how Siaw HAM my boobs.)

Sunday, 27 MAY 2012
did the usual stuff and helped teacher set up for the penutupan, wasn't needed at the scene so I chilled out with Jeck and T in the canteen. Being the hardworking girl that she is, she was cutting news papers out for her PA homework while T and I babysit Albright. I don't really want to talk about this scene so I leave this to Mr Tam, yes do let your imagination run wild. All I can say is I'm going to miss the camp, I mean it's not the best place to live but it's definitely the best place to create bonds and make more friends and also to stalk boys I find attractive. Nothing interesting happened after I got home, just that I missed my dad and brother really much. Albright reminds me of my brother and I'm pretty sure a lot of you can relate.

I'm really sorry I don't have picture, we weren't allowed to bring our phones so I didn't.

Monday, 28 MAY 2012
DISASTER.

I'll be attending the school Perdana Camp as an 'URUSETIA' this year.

It's my first year having to camp out in School so everything is still kind of new to me. Well, at least I am familiar with the school grounds and this way I won't get lost easily and I know where to go and where NOT to. I'm not trying to make things scarier for me or anyone else but yes. I believe that SPIRITS do exist, they are not ghost but spirits, I believe in them because ASDFGHJKLSDFGHJK you don't really want to know.
I'll be back Sunday afternoon and in the meanwhile I will be in school where I won't have any gadgets with me. Yes, no phone. No freaking phone. No laptop. Okay. Whatever. It's just for two- wait three days.

I mention joining this camp as an URUSETIA right? I don't really remember how I signed up for this whole thing but I'm pretty sure Hong Hong has 70% part of it, I did regret right afterwards but what the hell? I couldn't possibly make the teacher cancel my name out so I might as well enjoy what I got myself into. I'm sure it's going to be fun. (I hope lah. PLEASE.)

People joining for the camp as urusetia were categorized into groups. Unfortunately, Siaw is in a different group, she has to be there when the campers are to be registered. Fortunately, I have a lot of people I know in my group including this certain someone who just can't seem to get his mouth shut. My group, we handle the urm how do you say this ah? Well, we handle everything that has to do with FOOD. It means we are really important., people might die of starvation if we don't do our jobs. The teacher in charge told us that the urusetias are required to be up early 3AM just to prepare stuff for breakfast.
3AM? are you kidding me? I have trouble waking up at 7AM and now I have to get up 4 hours earlier.
Well the only solution in to NOT sleep. I WILL keep everyone awake so that I won't be alone at night, I get awfully scared when I sleep in a new environment. I usually sleep cuddled to my sister. (okay. no, this is not gross. it just shows how much we care for each other.) Which reminds me, my sister is going to have to sleep alone in my horrible pig sty, well 90% of the mess is made by her so NO, I'm not even sorry.

All I want from this camp is endless fun. I know what you're thinking. 'What? You are the damn urusetias wor? How are you going to have fun oh?' WELL, my answer to this is. I do not know. I just hope that things will turned out way better than my expectations because, I want this school camp to surprise me and make me regret not joining as a peserta all those years while I was still a junior. (Well, I'm still a junior lah but I'm considered pretty old now coz I'm TURNING 18 really soon.

Okay, I have random things that I remembered from today.
1. Hong Hong will do anything just to get information. I dared to go hug his cousin Yung Yung and he actually did it in front of everyone. I couldn't stop laughing, all I could manage was 'POOR YUNG YUNG.' (alright, I have got to stop calling him that, it's not how I should address a fellow student I have yet know.) But seriously, his face, omg you should have seen it. He was shocked but he was laughing at the same time and TK sheesh wtf I was just joking. You didn't have to be so rough that you pulled him into a massive bear hug?
2. I like boys.
3. Mike Bin is afraid of balloons. (which I think is a lie.)
4. I love The Avengers.
5. People think ill of me because I am perverted. (going to have to change this, I can't possibly make new friends when they already how much of a bad influence I am. From now on, I will only show my true colors to the FIFITs. No other people and well except for others who are exceptionally close.)

I wonder how many of you still keep track of my blog? I'm just curious bah because things I usually blog about is crap. I think I'm going to remove my tumblr link from this place. It has become unintentionally convenient for others and I'm not liking it.

MARIE. HUANG. PAE YII. I miss you guys already.
Today I pass by Huang's house and I remember always picking him up. NGAI.
Today I pass by Pae Yii's place and I remember how I used to send her home after account tuition after school last year. NGAI
MARIE. I miss you oh NGAI. Now I don't have anyone else to bully oh because Shnwei always hits me back painfully whenever  I try to 'ham' her.
I think we need a FIFIT group on facebook.
Okay. Childish much?

See you Sunday afternoon/night?

                   
Robert? What are you looking at? (I knew it. They want each other. REAL BAD. Your argument is invalid. Don't even bother trying.)

Okay. Okay. I'm leaving now. See you bbys <3

Arrogance. The state or quality of being arrogant; overbearing pride. 

Am I arrogant? I don't know but I don't want to be. I don't want people thinking that I'm too good for them. 
Wait maybe I am the one who's driving them away, maybe I am the one being arrogant that people especially new people find it hard to approach me. I don't even know if I'm being arrogant or not? What is like being arrogant? 
I just don't want people finding me arrogant. Almost 90% of the students in my class are smarter than me, I have no right to be an arrogant bitch. UGH. This post has been stupid. Very stupid.

when is it my turn? perhaps maybe after I end this horrible high school year.
The fact that there still aren't any reference available yet annoys me.
Hello? Seriously, if you want to change the whole syllabus then prepare the materials first next time?
You have any idea how much I need those reference right now. I don't want to randomly pick out a book because WHAT IF I got the wrong one. I would be wasting my parent's money and I'm not even a good enough student.
I hope the books would hurry up and market themselves. I NEED YOU GUYS.
So hurry up and take my money you bunch of tree killers!

Today was okay, first day in class so I thought I would wake up early so that I'd get a satisfying seat. Got to school and FISH people the door was locked. Whatever we could wait.
Smart people coming up the stairs... It's alright. I'll get my seat.
MOAR smart people accumulating in front of classroom door... GET OUT OFF MY WAY.
I stood in front of the door which was very rude but NU-UH I couldn't care less because I needed those seats.
The door opened and rushed inside, pulled every table and chair possible and settle down as quick as possible.
Poor new kids lah, I feel like we were bullying them but well people. This is what you guys call
'SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST'

    

This, is obviously not true. Right?

Charies's Farewell.

Everyone is leaving. I'm not saying like it a bad thing, it just that- I want to leave too. Enough of that, this is going to be a happy post. I swear. (I promised) Went to Suria following Jia Shan, they all can drive already and I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't know how to work with a machine/vehicle. I'm a physics student and I'm suppose to know more about cars but I know nothing except for the fact that they take you where you want to go and need to be.(crap) There were 10 of us and  I need not mention the names. 

Movie?
                                    
ooh yes that vampire looking guy, I couldn't recognize him. It's Johnny Depp. I know I am dumb.
'Strategically place your lips on my posterior & kiss it repeatedly 
' This has to be my favorite quote in the movie, I couldn't stop laughing. I think it was okay, because The Avengers was just too awesome.

I wonder if I could bring the huge Avengers cardboard boxes home once they don't need it anymore.

Alright after that we had lunch in Upperstar where I bumped into my aunt and she introduced me to another aunt who was a distant relative. I was being all 'shy and hi antie kind of a girl' because  I don't know what to do and I don't want her to think badly of me. Hong Hong gave me a stomach ache because we were having a lot of 'confidential' conversations. (You are not interested. Our conversations were really urm disgusting? Well at least 70% of it was. Ask Kent.) I can never drink Vanilla Smoothie without laughing ever again.

I actually googled for the picture and I found out that it's call 'Creation of Adam'. Here a picture of it and I will try to remember everything we said about this piece of art.

                                      

Huang: Yer why so small one?

Audrey: Omg I think I just ovulated.

Charies: Why? Because of the picture?

Hong2 & Huang: -stifles and laughs-

Everyone: -laughs non stop-

Kent: What the?

(I think the conversation went like this. I don't really remember but I think my aunt will look at me very differently if she knew what I was talking about. OMG what if she did and told my dad oh? What am I going to answer? Say my friends teach me? LOL)

I didn't take any quality pictures in Upperstar because I was too busy laughing. 

Here are some pictures I stole from Abby's blog.

                                                 

Abby bah, this is not my act cute face T__T (It's my omg you're taking a picture of me face)

OMG I love this picture very much. EPIC.

 

Look at my hair eh omg YOU KNOW WHAT?

I feel like this a pose for superhero trio or something, I can't stop laughing lah. It's so cool. I was in the air.

It's all I got.

Today was fun, I guess.
We didn't win but we didn't lose either.(wait we did.)
Oh yeah, I'm talking about the Sukaneka we had today, there was suppose to be this 'Bola Baling' and Tug Of War (which we could have won) but we didn't have enough time to proceed that far.
Kumpulan 4 vs Kumpulan 8. and we lost. no. no I'm not unhappy. In fact I had a lot of fun. People were cheering for me. (I think.) Alan was being all please go easy on us but then in the end it was in reverse, I thought we might stand a chance to win but then I was so wrong. It's alright, it's just a game. It's to have fun not to feel sorry about losing. Oh I almost forgot, I knocked someone down, unintentionally but purposely.
It happened really fast. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to halt and save the girl from falling but I also wanted to shot for the goal (which didn't count), maybe I should have just stop and prevented her from dragging her poor buttocks on the JALAN RAYA. It must have hurt, I mean a big girl like me knocking some very petite girl down, it must have been really ugly. I apologize again to the girl, I didn't really get her name but I am really sorry. It was suppose to be a harmless game but oopsie someone bled, I wanted o like walk over and help coz I mean it's what I used to do when I was still a member of the Red Crescent Society but then this girl she was already on it.(The girl Vyon told me who has a really high ranking so I might not be able to get the highest jawatan in the FORM 6 BSMM after all.) I just stared. Not moving. I felt useless. LOL

According to Ming Li, FORM 6 is going to be a really busy urm, period for us. We have to be able to catch up with homework and at the same time, being able to participate in all the organizing team. WTF. I cannot do that. The main reason why I gave up on BSMM, I know that I would never be able to juggle these two. I need to focus on one thing and one thing only. Once I get out of course, I fail. So I have decided that I won't join any organizing team unless (someone manage to persuade me or I just feel like it). I hope I'm not always in the 'I feel like it' mood.

There hasn't been any happy post on my blog lately.
I'm going to have to fix that soon. BTW, you like me new layout? (perasan-ing)
END.

my version of Eric Moro from A Crack In Forever

Creator of Tumblr. David Karp.

Do I end up happy?

Yes, the question is.
Do I end up happy?
I read this book Abby borrowed me yesterday(Thanks Aby) and I finished it in one day.
The book was beautiful, it made me laugh, made me smirk and made me cry and even managed to get to gross sobbed for a while.
But most importantly, it made me wonder.
I wonder how my life will turn out? I wonder- Do I end up happy?
The book I read.
'A Crack In Forever.'

(Read it. It's awesome.)
Will I be happy in the future? Will I? I hope so. I mean everything happens for a reason right?
That's what I believe. I believe that things that are meant to happen, will happen. Whether you try to stop it or not. There's no stopping something that is meant to happen. The harder you try, the harder you fall when you fail that is. So the way I cope with this is to not set my goals too high, keep them low so that disappointment won't drown me.

I have to go through a year and half of hell and then I'll be out of this school. I will be 'free' and also showered with even more doubts. What am I going to do after I graduate Pra-U(it's what the teachers calls us)? Well things, stuff. THINGS and STUFF are not good enough, you're going to have to work really hard just to earn a spot in the university. (Well unless you have money, something I don't really have.) To be honest, the new kids in my class are kinda freaking me out, they all look so invincible, so smart, so genius. I am intimated, I feel like I am now in a class of 20 other PO LO PAOS. Which is horrible because I cannot being in the bottom of a food chain. I am not try to belittle the others who might feel offended but this is how I really feel. What if they are SUPER GENIUSES (which they are)? ARGH. I don't know why, but the whole Kumpulan 1 scares me, I think if they all gang up on me I might faint.  I just hope that they are not as bad as I think they are, I kind of hope that they are friendly actually. It really scares me to be on the bottom of the line. I want to be able to stand with them, proudly. Because I deserve it too. BTW, 4 boys in Biology and 5 girls in Physics. (And one of them is me.)

Enough for today.

random phone call

guy: Hello
me: Hello?
guy: Is this Audrey?
me: *thinks it's some school offer or something* Yeah I'm Audrey.
guy: Audrey what?
me: *oh it's not an offer maybe it's a hot guy!* Audrey Chai?
guy: what?
me: Audrey Chai.
guy: Oh...
me: ...
guy: are you from st michael?
me: no. I;m not.
guy: Oh...
me: urm? Who is this?
guy: Oh me I'm aekfdhsgj
me: what?
guy: My name is Harry.
me: Ohhhhh Harry?
guy: Yeah. I called the wrong number.
me: .... *fuck*
guy: ...
me: oh oh oh it's alright.
guy: yeah hahaha.
me: Goodbye. *HANG UP LIKE A BOSS*

me: NGAI

This has been the most humiliating day of my life. (This month LOL)
I used to be a confident speaker. Well. I used to be and now I'm this timid little HUGE fat mouse standing on stage worrying over how I might not be able to speak fluently.
I don't want to humiliate myself but I ended up humiliating my whole group, people might think of us as amateurs now. GREAT
People think that we are ameteurs and I have 70% of the blame.
If only I was a better and more confident person. I wish I had no fear. I wish I would just stop thinking about how people might view me. I am very critical when it comes to these kind of things.
FIST IMPRESSION. Very Very important to me. When I see that you're all happy go lucky, I categorized you as the fun type. When I see you sitting there and not talking very much. I keep you in the okay okay list.
I want to make a good first impression but I ended losing even the little pride I had left. I want to be charismatic just like RObert Downey Jr.
IF ONLY I COULD TALK LIKE HIM AND IF ONLY I WAS HOT? Which I'm not.
Things that I am upset about:

1. Our PULAU pembentangan.
I should have bentang. I shouldn't havee pushed it over to Alex. I know he's the leader and all but I did promise him that I was going to be the one to bentang the day before.
AND I LIED. I MADE HIM DO IT INSTEAD JUST BECAUSE I WAS A BIG FAT COWARD.
Alex, if you're reading this. I am super sorry. I am a horrible friend, I bet you regret knowing me.
PS-I WISH EVERYONE IS MY BEST FRIEND, IF SO I CAN TALK TO EVERYONE LIKE HOW I TREAT MY BUDDIES. IT'S JUST TOO BAD THAT PEOPLE FIND ME REALLY HARD TO APPROACH.
Alex was having a hard time explaining because he told me that he had an upset stomach, I forgot about the whole thing and still made him bentang anyway while I laugh like a fucking idiot on the stage standing next to him.
I cannot believe I actually tried to protect my pride rather than my friend. See, this is proof on how much of a TERRIBLE person I am. I feel really sorry to all of my friends. I'm sorry.
GROUP MEMBERS :( I have let you down. I HAVE SHAMED YOU GUYS. I was really relieved when Abby took over GAH she can speak 12345 times better than me, I was pushing the mic to her. Shit. See. I am pushing things to others. WHY CAN'T I JUST TO IT HUH?
I have spoken in front of the whole FORM 1 once and now I am afraid to talk to abunch of people who are my age?
I lost my confidence, I need it back. I've said this before in my recent post(I think), and I'm still repeating it.
I wonder why people still read my blog?

2. AJK jamuan for Hari Guru
yeah some upper 6 came by the Auditorium and they wanted help from the juniors to organize the Teacher's Day event or something lah. So tk got 'taken away' by force to arrange all the chairs and stuff, they have to stay back the day before just to clean the chairs lah.
T, I feel your pain but this is what all boys have to go through to transform into a man.
So Judith came up and sat with us( Aby Shnwei ME ) and we were talking about helping out, and the chance came so we all shot up our hands and walked down to write down out names.
Here we go again, I was making a really dusgusting expression when I was writing our names down and the guy sitting on the opposite made a 'eewww this girl' face at me. (According to Shnwei)
NGAI HURT DAO. I know I'm not pretty like others girls but I don't want guys swooning over me, I JUST WANT THEM TO FUCKING RESPECT ME. (Wait, but they think I'm pretty also can lah//AN SHUANG)
And then when we were back in our seats, Abby nudged me and ...
... We forgot about Siaw. Shit. I cannot believe I forgot about Siaw.
SIAW IF YOU ARE READING THIS. I AM FUCKING SORRY. I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU FEEL SO LEFT OUT.
I JUST FORGOT, I got all excited. Please forgive your horrible friend. *cries* I'll buy you a present if it helps.
Yes. This. I cannot believe I did this to my friend. I am a horrible person and I am sure a lot of people hates me secretly behind my back//in front of my faces.
HOW CAN YOU LOOK A PERSON IN THE EYE, AND ACTUALLY LIE TO THEM? HOW? I can't do it. If I hate you, I hate you. I won't show otherwise. (Yeah right.)

3. PowerPoint pembentangan.
I have been humiliated twice today. Both of our pembentangan, I don't know. I feel like it was okay but then I ALSO THINK THAT I HAVE LET MY GROUP MEMBERS DOWN.
If I knew that it would turn out this way, I should have let other people take over. Maybe the reason why Cikgu Azmi lectured about our presentation is because I didd't do a good enough job.
Was that the case? Because if it is, I will feel 1300 times guiltier. I promise next time I am given a chance to do a presentation again. I will do my best. I will love you right.
After our pembentangan, there's still some other groups left, Cikgu Azmi wanted another presentation so another group went up the stage ( they did a scene, poor Boe Hing. )
We only had 10 minutes left for them to finish their presentation and guess what? The teacher kept on and on with his talk. ON AND ON AND ON AND ON and IT WAS PISSING me OFF.
You know how quickly I get pissed off, and usually when I'm angry, I HAVE A BAD MOUTH.
I say whatever that comes to my head, whatever that I feel like saying. And it wasn't pretty. I hope the teacher didn't hear me lah because I was really(kinda) loud.
I'm sorry I was being rude but I really had to go. You do not make things harder for people just because you want to get something done. ( NO. I HATE THESE KIND OF PEOPLE THE MOST.)
wait. isn't that- *stares* That's what I've been doing to my friends this whole time. Make things harder for them.
Okay. I hate myself too. It's only natural since I'm a horrible disgusting person to begin with.
I hope that no one gets offended by this post because I really meant no harm. I just want to pour our these horrible thoughts I'm having.
and this is not the end.

4.Form 6 Subjects.
Abby has been questioning herself about this and today she finally made her decision. After flipping the coins 2 times, she finally made her choice (Which I think was the right one.)
She obviously loves the subject more so- it was understandable. I made my decision. I was going to go for the Science stream.
I have one question. WHY DO PEOPLE MAKE FORM 6 SOUND LIKE IT'S REALLY HARD. I AM INTIMIDATED. WE HAD A PHYSICS BRIEFING a few days ago and I think it was okay? WELL I don't really know the contents so I can't really say much about it.
BIOLOGY. The teacher gave a little briefing too and I was NOT interested at all. I didn't like the subject. Yeah it was interesting but it's not what I am striving for.
CHEMISTRY. MY WORST SCIENCE SUBJECT. COMPULSORY SUBJECT IN FORM 6. YAY FML. I knew it. I am going to fail.
Shit. Chemistry is like so hard lah, I couldn't even handle the FORM 5 one, what am I going to do with the FORM 6 one?
If you ask me. I think the FORM 6 one is like 1234567890 times harder than FORM 5. I am serious. Those figures were real. I am all stressed out about the briefing lah.
After that, MATHS T. Another kind of mathematics.  It was hard, the contents looked really really hard. I wanted to hurl blood when I saw the titles.
Those were the titles I failed to master in FORM 5, that's why I only got an A- for my ADM.( also because I was fucking lucky)
I AM RUNNING OUT OF LUCK. You cannot be lucky all the time you know? FORM 6 is nothing about LUCK. It's all about brains which is something I DO NOT HAVE.
I am not a science person, but if you would ask me to answer in consideration on my future, I would choose to take up Science.
I have made up my mind today. About what I might do in the future. I have 2 alternatives.
ONE. I GET AN AWESOME//OK OK STPM result and become a CIVIL ENGINEER.
TWO. I GET A SUCKISH RESULT and become a teacher (science teacher)
Alright. I'm sure this is enough for today.

And to everyone I've offended today,
I am sorry. Please forgive me.
(I bet some of you are sick of my emo posts.)
Everyone else:*nods*
ME :
 

Is it okay to be JEALOUS sometimes?

Happy Mother's Day

LOL. I love my mom.

goochie goochie goo

You know what? You're not the only with problems okay?
I get it, you're unhappy or upset or whatever.
BUT I AM NO TOOL FOR YOU TO GET ANGRY AT.
FUCK NO
I am not going to just nod my head when you yell at me for no reason.
shit.