#boo-hoo

it wasn't a bad day. it wasn't about boys. it wasn't about school. it wasn't about grades. no it's not because someone 'bojio' me again. it wasn't about anything i had to worry about a while back. things are just not going the way they should for me right now, whenever i try to fix things. They either don't work out or they just turn out worst. I know I'm not suppose to be all down just because it doesn't work out but the worst part about everything is... I feel alone. I feel like I'm the only who cares, who freaking gives a damn. I feel like they are not even making an effort to make things better for themselves. I feel like I am the only one trying. I envy people who can just let it be and move on. I just can't. It's not that I don't want to but it will only come back and haunt me. Haunt me how? You know, all the what ifs? What if you tried to save it? What if you tried to help? What if it turned out better? I feel like I should just try but apparently my type of trying is not working at all. I want to take it further but I am just a freaking coward who is afraid of facing things. Afraid of making things worst. Afraid that things might turn out horrible because of me. Me alone. I know I'm not suppose to blame myself for what happened to them? But I do. Even if it's just a bit. That's slightest guilt. It stay here carved deep inside my heart. Things get better. Do they now? How long will it take? Years? If that's the case then how many more years should I wait. I'm probably not in the best position to assume things like this, saying that they are not trying to make things better. Maybe they are, but in their own ways. Ways that are kind of selfish. If you ask me.

in the middle of my boo-hoo-ing today, i just couldn't stop. i did try but the H20, they were screaming 'YOLO' I tried to calm down and I did. Several times. I cannot count how many times I bawled in that 2 period time. I'm sorry if I made the floor wet, or if i made the classroom awkward. I'm sorry that Miss Scorpio couldn't study because of me. I mean she's sick but she has to take care of my shit for me too. That made me a little guilty. I know how hard Biology is. As I was saying, in the middle of my water works, I could have sworn I saw Mr Goh staring straight at me. (yeah that's what you get for sitting next to the freaking window) I don't know. I think I saw this concern look in his eyes. I mean my eyes were covered in tears so I couldn't really tell. I'd like to think of it that way. I'd like to think that he was concern about me because he was very fatherly. Did I ever mention that Mr Goh feels like my dad? I mean the aura. It's so oto-san to me. I wonder what my dad would do if he saw me like that. He probably never seen me like that before but I'm pretty sure he's just going to come up to me and give me a good scolding asking me not to cry. I don't cry in front of my parents much. It feels vulnerable even though they are the people who you can be most vulnerable with. Mr Goh was distributing the papers during Physics test today, he gave me my paper gently? Is that how I should put it? Gently? I guess that's a normal way of putting it right? Thanks Mr Goh. 

I hope I scared no one today. I mean I did burst into a mewl so very suddenly. 

Miss Scorpio, thank you so much. 

Mr Freedom , I needed the tissue.

Miss Enlighten, I'll buy you new royal tissue! 

Mr Fencer, thanks for the pat. 

Everyone else, sorry.  

I'm fine so don't worry. I'm the kind of person who gets up and on after a cry. I can't try to convince you so you're just going to have to trust me.