gumball*

No.
I didn't put this thing up here because I had a bad day.
I'm putting this up here because it means a lot to me.
I can't count how many times I have had some bad days making me feel like i had a bad life.
I have a good life.
A great one actually.
I was born normal.
I was born unique.
I have a home, loving parents, a great mom and a responsible dad, annoying but wonderful siblings, not   forgetting my great friends.
I'm not too bad of a student. I can do well in my studies if i'm not a lazy bum.
I can tell jokes.
I give great hugs. I give awesome hugs actually, I am a walking cushion.
Okay. Wahlao. I think I am also very perasan.
But all of those brings it all back to one person.
My mother.
Without her.
Would I be who am I today?
My mom is younger than most of my friends's mom.
But that doesn't mean she's any different from other people's mother.
She's a great cook, it explains my weight.
She's really strict in a god way.
She's understanding and she knows when to give her kids some space.
She's sensitive too and i think that's what makes her an awesome mom.
Mom, I love you.
I might not have the courage to say this to you in person, mostly because I'm shy and I am afraid of your reaction. I am really bad with awkward situations so I rather not get into one. But know deep down inside that your daughter really really loves you. She might pick a fight sometimes or maybe raise her voice when you two don't see eye to eye but she's trying. She's really trying to change that.
And to all the mommas out there.
Happy Momma's Day :3

you guys should check out the google homepage. I got this there naaaaw

*wink

9 days til the real thing.
9 days til the real deal.
And I'm here. Doing nothing productive.
I feel so lazy but yet I don't want to flunk.
I lost all will to study now and I'm desperately trying to get it back.
I know I'll regret it if I don't study but part of me just won't let me study.
Speaking of regrets.
I'm not sure if re-checking my MUET was a good idea or not.
I need only 3 more marks to get to band 4, 3 more stinking marks.
Everyone else was crazy about retaking and re-checking and there I was.
Standing in the middle again.
Dammn why do I always end up in the middle.
You know why?
Because I am indecisive.
I can't make my own decisions.
I need opinions and these opinions often leaves me even more doubtful than I already was.
In the end.
I decided to re-check anyways. I mean I've got nothing to lose right?
Except that RM 70
I guess it's better to regret something you did than regretting over something you didn't.
I have balls! So I did it. I just hope, it was worth it.
I'm staring into space most of the time.
I'm holding my book, grabbing my pen but nothing goes in.
Rather, more things tend to come out... from my mouth.
I can never study with friends.
It wouldn't be studying if I'm around.
I like to talk a lot and I tend to distract other people in the process.
Which is always the reason why I turn my friends down when they asked me to go study with them.
I like studying alone but I don't like to be lonely.
I hate it when people make noise in the library.
It'll make me feel and look bad if I don't do anything about it.
Look bad part is when I don't do anything.
Feel bad part is when I scold the other younger kids.
Today I sarcastically but politely asked some lower form kids to shut up because they seriously treated the library like it was a playground. They nod and urged their friends to shut up and then the next three minutes, they're at it again. I got really pissed. I mean I did say to shut the eff up didn't I?
Also, a simple fact about our school. Well maybe not our school but out librarians.
Did you know?
That the percentage of librarians in our school is 2.5% out of the whole student body?
Did you know?
That the kids in our school likes to borrow books from the library and make a big FAT mess out of everything.
Did they know?
That only 2.5% of them has to arrange all their mess for them.
Well, now you know.

out of reach

I'm not really happy with the GE-13. I'm really disappointed. i don't usually talk about politics because i freaking hate it but this time it was different. Everyone was ready and certain for a change, a new beginning, a better future. But all that faith crushed by injustice. I can't believe i actually lived in such a country for 18 year, and that i'm going to have to live with it til who knows when? I stayed up late knowing that our people will get what we wanted, what we voted for. I just don't understand their desperation. How do you expect your people to stay with you when you used all these dirty tactics just so you can rule again. You have no idea how pissed off I am. I am so ashamed. It doesn't end there. People who we are suppose to call our own nation, our brothers and our sisters are publicly posting their opinions about how Chinese and Indians should be send back to where they came for. Well, o0o to you. I'm not trying to be rude here but they freaking started it. Okay enough about stinking politics. It's ruining my blogging mood.

Moving on to my  MUET results which isn't a really happy topic either but guess what? I got a freaking Band 3. I checked at midnight and found out the results before a lot of my classmates and to be honest. I was shocked, I almost cried. But then it was really stupid to cry about such things and that I should be happy and satisfied with what I was given because at least Band 3 is still a pass. But today in school, I found out that I was only 3 marks away from Band 4 and it was like "hold, stop and rewind". I didn't cry. I learnt quickly that I should just freaking accept it. But 3 marks. LOL my writing was really bad, I think I got the question's instructions wrongly and I didn't even get half of the marks. Okay. that's in the past now. I did all I could but this is what God had prepared for me.

I don't understand how some people can be so thick at times. After all you did and you still have the face and guts to actually - ugh. I'm sorry. I just cannot tolerate people like this. Also stop being so fake. I tried to put it aside and not be a little bitch about it but I just can't. Everytime you just so make a sound, I just tick. I can tolerate annoying and loud people. I can understand cold and quiet people but I absolutely won't accept fake people like you. I used to respect you so much. I used to rely on you so much so I am really disappointed when the truth revealed itself. I really want to graduate faster coz I just can't stand you people anymore.

STPM sem 2 is like in two weeks and I am still here blogging away, I really need to hit the books but I just can't. Not after what happened.

in between.

have you ever feel like you're in the middle. 

a tool people used to communicate to each other with.

just because they can't talk face to face anymore.

and there's you.

standing in the middle.

you can't pick a side.

because you love them both dearly.

you can't ignore both of them.

because you just can't stand watching them like that.

you want everything to go back to the way they used to be.

to the time when everyone was happy.

back when you were still all coco crunch and jelly beans.

back when life was always easy.

back when you wouldn't hesitate to ask them for help.

back when you still believed in love.

i want to go back...

that feeling you get when you just can't choose.

the feeling you get when you try so hard to drown it inside of you.

so that no one will ever find out.

so that no one would look at you with pity eyes.

i don't want pity. i don't need it.

i just don't understand how life can take such a huge turn.

and leave me here in the middle.

i'm lucky i wasn't forced to make a choice.

but who's to say that i won't have to in the future.

who's to say that things will be alright.

things will get better and that things will be back to normal.

and yet who's to say that things might get worst. 

we just don't know. 

i just don't know.

but i desperately want to.

why me?

seriously.

why couldn't it be someone else?

someone who is perhaps stronger?

or someone who just doesn't fucking give a damn?

why did it have to be me?

is it bad that i complain about these kind of things?

am i not allowed to complain?

i've been holding it in for so long.

it tears me up just thinking about all the times i tried to forget.

but i wake up everyday with the same problems still unresolved.

i hate seeing them like that.

i hate seeing how they treat each other.

i hate the way they talk to each other.

two lifeless souls communicating.

and that's where i step in.

being vulnerable is not an option.

weaknesses are no good in battle.

yelling at each other won't anyone any good.

especially not to those who have a weak soul.

i beg of you.

both of you.

don't make this any harder on me.

it's really hard to please both side.

it's really hard standing in the middle.

it's exhausting actually.

i understand that things are not that easy

and that things do not always go as plan.

but when both of you have the same objective,

which i doubt you do.

nothing is impossible.

you just need to sit down,

look each other in the eyes and speak.

yes speak, not yell. 

yell if you must, 

but look around for any vulnerable souls.

they might be strongly affected.

or permanently scarred. 

officially.

It's official, I am a zombie... NAH. Okay let me get this straight, no matter how stress out I am or how much pressure I'm under, I always. ALWAYS have the time, strength, will or urge to do things I like and of course end up being guilty about it BUT at least i get to recharge right? and get right back on my toes again for more stress LOL. I know my blog is probably stranded but I am really surprise that i still get views and stuff. Thank you, whoever you are. But seriously. I'd be wasting your 2 minutes and half if you view this insignificant webpage.

I learned that when you can't beat something, you're going to have to give way and join in. I know I won't be able to run form this so I'm going to have fun while I go with it. It's not easy though, but it will have to do. Blogging used to be so fun and I used to love blogging... until the day came where the things I want to blog about is just too private to be public. wtf did i just typed. Anyways, it's only 19 days til STPM sem 2 and yes, I am afraid and I would really like to pack my bags and run away while screaming YOLO but I can't. No matter how i run or how i hide, it comes back... it gets to me... like slenderman does. I read somewhere saying, 'A virgo is dull when she lost the will to have fun.' which is undeniably true. I mean I don't think I can go through a day without laughing or without music.

Pewdiepie. An inspiration. I can stop watching his videos. OMG he is an idiot but gawd i like him, he makes my day. Whenever I feel like killing someone or ripping my mathematics questions apart. I'll just turn on my phone, browse a little and he is able to make me laugh my ass off. Gee and it's not easy to make me laugh my ass off. (okay i take this back. i laugh at everything. Which is not a bad thing.) I seriously have to find a way to let him know that he is also one of the reasons why i am able to cope with all this pressure and stress. Perhaps I'll make him do something really embarrassing on 'FRIDAYS WITH PEWDIEPIE' HAHAHA. Okay until that day then :P

Studying is not too bad really, the worst part is when you still suck in a test even when you studied your ass off. Like that physics test last time, I failed and I studied my ass off every night. NO words can describe the disappointment i felt, the pain that was throbbing within me lmao. Okay that was a little too much but I was really upset about it. Just like how i get upset with every little thing that happens... Tomorrow, another physic test and I haven't really studied enough. I got bored and took a nap and end up getting a headache wtf. Okay enough about studying, this is suppose to be a lively blogspot. Oh which reminds me! Mr Goh showed us this video about 'The Law of Attraction' which TK mentioned to me about last time, but I didn't really give it much thought but after watching that video. I still don't understand what he was trying to tell me that time.

Speaking of which. I hate you tk. talk to me.

I want to apologize to two someones here on my blog.
The first one would be Miss E,
I'm really sorry about how I treated you that day, I know apologizing through my blog isn't very sincere but I just couldn't bring myself to approach you. I really want to talk to you the other day but I assumed that you were still quite upset with me so you just smiled and walked away. I'm sorry I was being a baby the other day, I was upset about a lot of things that day and I put it all on you. I'm really sorry. And to think that you even ran back up to politely asked me down. I turned you down like that all because I wasn't in the mood.
The second would be Mr YY,
This is really childish, I can't believe I did it. I got angry because I misunderstood or misinterpret what you said the other day. And you were only trying to be nice wtf. I got all bitchy at you and it wasn't even your fault. I felt really guilty. Normally I would blame all this on my period but NO not this time. I am really really sorry :(

You must have noticed how I jumped from one subject to another. That's because I'm really horrible with introduction. i don't know how to start talking about one thing or how to bring someone's attention to another subject so I would just randomly throw stuff at your face. And i'm about to do again. LoLo I'm going to adapt your ways of naming people on your blog HAHA. I find it very interesting LOL. No I just want to be a copycat and copy your ways of blogging.

Dear Mr Martini, I haven't seen you in a while and I miss you omgawd. I miss how you would smile and give me a little thumbs up at times. I couldn't even run into to you in the canteen, it shows how much we are destined not to meet each other wtf. I wonder if this nickname is too obvious. Let me know ;)

I normally don't do this. But YOLO.

since when did you last update?

SO i know i shouldn't be here coz it's still exam week but i just can't take it anymore. People asked whether i still keep a blog and i say yes. But the things i want to tell the world are just too complicated and I always quit writing half way. Everything just seems so POINTLESS. Lately I've been thinking. Just thinking, sitting there, staring into space and just think. I found out that I've been tiring myself with a lot of things and the worst part is that, it's all my fault and there's just no one i can point my fingers at. I guess it's actually a good thing that not a lot of people read my blog and some might not even know it still exist because I update very little. (wait you don't update dumbass) Everyday I wake up and find myself doing the SAME THING. I have to worry about whether I studied enough for the day and how STPM sem 2 is constantly up my butt. And then there's 'unecessary things' i have to deal with, things that just sticks with me no matter how i try to shake it off. It's exhausting and dull. I feel like studying is all I have to do and if I don't. I AM A FAILURE. There's is just no way. NO WAY. I can score like those brainiacs, yeah I KNOW I KNOW I sound like a pessimist well guess what? I AM ONE. For me, it's actually better to look on the dark side of things, so that you won't expect too much, and you don't fall that hard, and it won't hurt too much. Form 6 is draining me, physically, mentally, emotionaly and however you want to put it. It's not fun anymore if all you have to so is freaking study! All you ever think about is getting good grades. I'm gettin really irritated coz I know I shouldn't have entered FORM6 in the first place and that leads me back to things that happened last year, where I WAS FORCED(without any other choices) to do whatever it is my mother wishes me to do and i listened to her. NOT to myself but to HER and looked where that got me. A bunch of things to worry about. what if  my STPM result just isn't good enough? WELL there's always a solution to EVERYTHING! Then maybe I'll just apply to foundation with my SPM results and start over again, WOAH then everyone in class would be two years YOUNGER than me. isn't that just cool? I am never going to let other people choose for me again, if I want to regret something. I want to be the cause of it. Well I'm not saying Form 6 is horrible and stuff, I met new people, new friends, a new experience, and stuff but i just so happen had the time to think about what i really wanted and this isn't really it. Where am I suppose to go after this? What I am suppose to do? But most importantly, WHERE AM I NOW? So little courage, so little time. People whom I thought would always be there for me, isn't really capable of giving me the support I needed. Things I used to do to make me happy always seems to be pushed aside merely to tune down the guilt I might put on myself for not studying. All I ever post about is all my worries now, no wonder no one ever reads my blog anymore =-= I wouldn't want to read it myself WTF

time flies

time sure flies when you're having fun. just a few days ago the principal was announcing our school break and now it's almost time to go back to school. This whole week had been a blast. I have to say that it has been a FIFIT-ANGPAU-STARBUCKS filled weekend. Open houses everywhere, gambling everywhere, hanging out with my girls oh and you Huang ;)(PAE YII T__T) has been really relaxing until I had to pick up my school bag and peek inside. Piles of homework undone, projects untouched and many more chapters not solved. where the hell am i going to find time to finish all that? Not to mention I now have dramas I have to watch. OMG. I have MUET speaking next week too and  I just found out tonight that it was the REAL thing. wtf I am horrible. I really want to do well in this next two semesters, I want to bee proud of myself. I don't want to be that slacker I used to be and I definitely don't want to fail myself. Dang I really want to turn back time now. I want to go through this week again. Gee I don't have anything to blog about anymore. I apologize that you have to look at this horrible update. Fifits are going to back to campus soon and it'll be another 2 months or maybe years until I get to see them again :\ that sucks.

and NO tk,  I didn't forget about you. I miss you too.